


Covalence

by Starlinghue



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Age Difference, Codependency, Complicated Relationships, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Making Out, Missing Scene, Past Walter White/Gretchen Schwartz/Elliot Schwartz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22620031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlinghue/pseuds/Starlinghue
Summary: Walt goes out of his way to keep an eye on Jesse before the train heist. When Jesse's emotions boil over, some long buried tension finally comes to a head.
Relationships: Jesse Pinkman/Walter White
Comments: 18
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to write an unseen moment of connection and reconciliation between these two before everything inevitably falls apart again. Season five is ripe with emotional drama, I feel like adding in a hook-up or two would only make the eventual fallout even more painful. That being said, this is honing in on a moment that is meant to be more sweet than bitter. Hope you enjoy!
> 
>  _"'Cause nobody butters me up like you, and nobody fucks me like me."_  
>  — Mitski, Lonesome Love.

Since the incident with the missing cigarette, Walt had been anticipating another breakdown. With the train robbery on the horizon, he'd started keeping close tabs on Jesse, not wanting to jeopardize his already fragile mental state by putting too much pressure on him. But there _was_ a lot of pressure riding on the heist— the methylamine, their entire future as criminals and chemists depended on it. Everyone had to be performing at maximum efficiency.

Walt could trust Jesse, he knew he could. He'd made certain of it. But that didn't mean that Jesse wasn't vulnerable. After all, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend, and in hindsight, Walt hadn't exactly been _delicate_ about the news. He was monitoring the situation now to make up for it, making sure that Jesse didn't backslide, keeping him focused on the plan and not much else.

From the start of this entirely new operation, Walt had already been spending a fair bit of time at Jesse's house. It had gotten to a point where it wasn't completely unusual for him to hang around after hours, chatting idly over some food and drinks. Now that they were working on this plot with the methylamine, Walt had an excuse to push for more time with Jesse outside of work, not only to keep an eye on him, but to offer emotional support, if it could even be called that. Because as much as Walt wanted to believe he could sleep just fine in spite of all of his past decisions, he would hear Jesse's voice in his head late at night, his wrecked sobs. _"I don't know what's wrong with me."_ The words were a dull ache in his chest now, an ever present shadow on his lungs like the cancer and the guilt that he would carry with him for the rest of his life.

So, in what had to be one of the most convoluted and long-winded apologies he could offer, Walt committed to the idea of hanging out with Jesse, being there for him outside of work. Partly because he knew Jesse needed the support, but mostly because he felt responsible for Jesse needing it in the first place. Though he was ashamed to admit it, Walt knew that he was the reason Jesse was in so much pain. The least he could do was offer him a shoulder to cry on.

And sure enough, Jesse did break down again late one afternoon when they were sharing a drink in his kitchen. They'd been discussing the plan with the train, going over the timing and the measurements of the water and the methylamine, when all of a sudden Jesse had looked across the table in a frightened, hesitant way.

"Do you really think we can pull this off?"

Walt didn't have time to come up with a response. The second he'd opened his mouth, Jesse's eyes began to water, and he stood up so abruptly that Walt leaned back in his seat, alarmed.

"Sorry," Jesse muttered angrily, blinking the tears back and rubbing his palms under his eyes. "Fucking hell, don't know where that came from."

"It's alright, son." Walt said calmly. "You've got a lot of your plate right now."

Jesse had stiffened up at the familial term, which Walt now flinched at himself for using. _Son_. That wasn't what Jesse was to him, not really. There wasn't really a word for what Jesse was to him.

"Right," Jesse made his expression purposefully aloof. He left the kitchen in a sudden blur, letting out an embarrassed scoff as he went. "Just gimme a second, I'm gonna get a handle on this."

"Wait," Walt said, guilt clawing at his chest. He followed Jesse through the living room and up the stairs to the second floor. "We can talk about it, if you want."

"There's nothing to talk about!"

Halting in his tracks, Jesse spun around so quickly that Walt nearly ran right into him. Hurriedly, he stumbled to a stop, taking half a step backwards, nearly falling. They were standing at the top of the stairs, and the momentary imbalance made Walt's stomach drop with dread. Realizing how precariously close Walt was to toppling backwards, Jesse reached out and grabbed his arm, holding him steady.

"Thank you." Walt mumbled, a bit sheepishly.

Jesse's eyes were wide, and still half full of tears. He blinked rapidly, worriedly glancing over Walt's shoulder, obviously thinking of the avoided scenario of him tumbling down the stairs. He didn't let go of Walt's arm.

"Jesse," Walt kept his voice light, coaxing Jesse’s gaze back towards his face. "It's okay."

Breathing shakily, Jesse pulled his hand away, looking nervously towards the floor. "Sorry— I don't know why I'm a mess all of a sudden."

"It's okay," Walt repeated, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. "I mean, given the circumstances, you have a right to feel overwhelmed."

With one hand, Jesse rubbed under his eyes again, determined not to cry. He then brought his other hand up to Walt's wrist, and for a second, Walt thought he was going to shove him away. But Jesse simply held onto it, his fingers clasping around Walt like a lock latching him to his shoulder. Their eyes met, and nothing was said. Walt was suddenly very aware of the sound of their breathing. Briefly, in an action that was so fleeting that Walt might've imagined it, Jesse glanced down at his lips and then back up again. His pupils dilated slightly.

That was all it took. It was like a dam exploded in the back of Walt's mind, he was so suddenly overcome with a flood of blurry images and thoughts he'd been bottling up for the better part of a year. He leaned down and kissed Jesse Pinkman like it was the easiest thing he'd ever done.

Jesse's mouth was slack against his for a second, frozen with shock. But it was only a second. He suddenly ignited under the touch like a live wire, hurriedly drawing Walt's lips apart and getting their tongues involved. He let go of Walt's wrist so that he could swing his arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer, kissing him harder. Walt was momentarily thrown by it, so he held onto Jesse's hips and let him take the reigns.

They stumbled down the hall, barely parting for breath. Jesse knocked Walt against the wall, pulling him down to his level by the collar of his shirt. Walt hadn't kissed anyone shorter than him for some time, and he found himself slightly thrilled to be the tall one for a change.

It was at that moment that he remembered exactly _who it was_ that he was kissing. 

"Wait—" Walt panted, pulling away so fast that the back of his head hit the wall.

Like a deer caught in headlights, Jesse stared up at him helplessly. Jerkily, he backed away, his hands clenching and unclenching where they had fallen at his sides. Walt stared back at him, equally lost.

"What the _fuck?_ " Jesse whispered, and then he spun on his feet, clearly headed towards his room. "Seriously, what the fuck?"

Walt stayed against the wall for what felt like a very long time. His heart was pounding in his chest at an upsetting rate. His mouth was as dry as it had been when they were stranded out in the desert. When he finally felt composed enough to move again, he made his way to Jesse's room. This went against his instincts, which were to run home and pretend it never happened, but he knew, somehow, that he had to fix this situation. For Jesse's sake. For their business' sake.

He found Jesse sitting on his bed, head in his hands, looking about as confused and horrified as Walt felt. Once he noticed Walt standing in the doorway, he sat up straight and said nothing. Walt crossed the room, wordlessly asking permission to sit down on the corner of the bed. When Jesse didn't flinch away from him as he drew closer, Walt went ahead and did just that, keeping about half an arm's length of distance between them.

Jesse pulled his legs up to his chest, his scrawny limbs revealing themselves to be unsurprisingly flexible. Walt couldn't seem to keep from watching him, fascinated by the proportions of his skinny arms, his dainty wrists and ankles, his square hands. There was something so distinctly boyish about his body, like a puppy that hadn't quite grown into the size of its paws. Walt found himself flinching at that particular thought, not eager to align Jesse with children or dogs, especially not after what they had just done.

 _But he is a child,_ a snide voice in the back of his head piped up. _Compared to you._

"Hey," Jesse muttered, lightly knocking Walt's knee with the back of his hand. "Stop making that face."

Walt blinked at him, feigning ignorance. "What face?"

Rolling his eyes, Jesse rested his chin over his crossed arms. "The face that says 'oh no I made a terrible mistake and now I've gotta kill someone and hide the body.' That face."

Without meaning to, Walt grimaced. "It's distressing that you've become so well acquainted with that particular expression that it even qualifies for recognition."

Again, Jesse rolled his eyes, this time adding in a low, sardonic laugh. "There are, like, so many things about this entire situation that are pretty damn distressing, yo."

"Sorry," Walt mumbled, faltering. "I really didn't expect for any of _this_ to ever happen."

He waved his hands as he said it, gesturing between the two of them a bit wildly. Jesse looked towards the wall, chewing at the inside of his cheek.

"And for the record," Walt added, realizing it was better to be direct instead of leaving room for more misunderstanding. "If I were going to hide anyone's body after this, it would be mine."

Jesse's gaze quickly snapped back to him, jerky and confused. "What?"

 _Do I really have to spell it out for you?_ Walt managed to stop himself from snarling in livid embarrassment, and then chose his next words carefully. He was treading on eggshells and he knew it.

"Look, I'm twice your age— hell, you were my _student_. Technically, I am still married, and I still love my wife. And now that we're partners again, what we just did, what I just did, well, it was completely unprofessional."

"Unprofessional?" Jesse repeated, deadpan. He stared at Walt like he was an idiot. "Since when do you give a shit about that?"

Before he could answer, Jesse was waving his hands in Walt's face, not at all dissimilar to the motion one might make to put out a fire.

"I'm just saying," Jesse added emphatically. "I had a gun to your head a few weeks ago. Ain't nothing professional about that."

Walt frowned, a little disappointed that Jesse was still stuck on the gun thing. They were making progress, weren't they? Or at least, they had been up until about five minutes ago.

Sighing, Walt leveled his gaze, trying with all his might to convey remorse, not dissatisfaction. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

Jesse blinked at him. "Why not?"

"Wh— Did you not hear I word I just said?" Walt reeled, trying to make sense of Jesse's expression. He looked petulant, which was infuriating. "Aren't you angry with me?"

"When has that ever stopped you from doing what you want?" Jesse muttered, leaning back and meeting Walt's gaze in a wordless challenge. 

Walt's blood ran cold. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, keeping him grounded. "I need to know if what I did bothered you, Jesse. It was... inappropriate. You have every right to be upset with me." 

Jesse clicked his tongue against his teeth, but said nothing. There was a very lengthy pause before he eventually let out a huff of annoyance, finally breaking eye contact.

"I didn't mind it, alright? Happy now?"

Walt's pulse leapt to his throat. He swallowed carefully, though he couldn't entirely suppress the cough that followed.

"And I'm not just saying that to, uh, placate you, or whatever. I mean it." Jesse dragged his hands over his face, his cheeks reddening. "It was actually kinda nice."

Now it was Walt's turn to act like a dumbfounded parrot. "Nice?" 

"Jesus," Jesse sighed, peeking through his fingers before setting his hands down and glaring at him. "What do you want me to say, huh? That I'd rather let you sit here and kiss me to try and make me feel better instead of listening to another one of your bullshit excuses? Because at this point, yeah, why the fuck not?"

"Jesse—" Walt started, but Jesse cut him off with another wave of his hands.

"That's what this is all about, right? Making me feel good? Buttering me up so I stay on your side?"

The petulance had returned to Jesse's expression, except that now it was accompanied with something else, something more mature. Walt belatedly realized that it was awareness. Jesse was _aware_ of him.

"Or," Jesse leaned forward, crawling forward on his hands and knees, drawing closer and closer to where Walt sat at the edge of the bed. "Maybe you just wanna finally make me your bitch?"

Gut churning with a mix of intrigue and guilt, Walt glowered at Jesse, lightly jostling one of his hands away when it came to rest on his shoulder.

"It's not like that." Walt said quietly, uncertain of who he was even trying to convince. "It's been a while since Skyler and I have— I was acting on impulse."

Jesse snorted, and Walt nearly jumped when he felt that same hand he had batted away come down to clasp around his crotch. It was absolutely mortifying to see how quickly his body reacted, his pants feeling at once too tight, his hips bucking involuntarily into the touch. When Jesse let out a breathless laugh, Walt could sense that he was equally surprised by how little it had taken. 

"This impulsive enough for you?" Jesse whispered directly into Walt's ear, leaning in so that his lips brushed lightly against his skin.

In spite of himself, Walt shivered. Taking that as positive reinforcement, Jesse continued to work his palm over his groin, rolling it with a kind of lazy ease. He slowly mouthed his way down Walt's neck, not quite kissing him, but dragging his lips and teeth around his throat and jaw like he was looking for a place to bite. Walt stayed completely still, determined not to humiliate himself any further, no matter how much he was relishing the touch. Half a minute passed, and then Jesse was shifting around behind him, angling himself so that he had Walt's hips between his knees, peering over his shoulder as he tugged at Walt's waistband. For a moment, Walt was so distracted by the fact that Jesse's hand was working its way into his underwear that he almost didn't register that he could feel his dick, half hard already, grinding up against his lower back. When he finally noticed, his spine went rigid, thrilled by the unfamiliarity of it all, and that was exactly when Jesse got ahold of his own dick, roughly pulling it loose from its fabric prison.

"Shit," Walt murmured, and then to keep himself from making any more embarrassing noises, he grit his teeth. " _Jesse_."

Jesse let out another breathless laugh, clearly pleased by the reaction. He began running his hand up and down over the shaft, barely grazing the skin at first. "You like that, Mr. White?"

Walt kept his mouth shut, but he hummed approvingly anyway. His head rolled backwards as Jesse upped the pace, and the sides of their faces roughly brushed together. He could feel the stubble on Jesse's chin lightly grazing him, another foreign pleasure.

It had been so long since whatever his affair with Gretchen and Elliott had been. Walt had nearly forgotten every rough and gentle sensation of being with another man, and even so, Jesse was hardly built like Elliot, who had always been tall and thin, careful and affectionate with his touches. Though Jesse may have been just as skinny, he was twice as rough.

"You _do_ like that, huh?" Jesse questioned again as Walt let out a choked off gasp. He thrust himself against Walt's back, and then very deliberately thumbed the head of his dick. Unable to smother it, Walt moaned, and the sound was pathetically desperate. Jesse's dick twitched against him in reaction, which was strangely exhilarating. "This getting you off?" 

"Jesse," Walt groaned helplessly. "Shut up."

Abruptly, Jesse let go of him. "Oh yeah? Want me to stop?"

It took all of Walt's strength not to whirl around and scream at him. Instead, he seized Jesse's hand before it could retreat too far, and purposefully wrapped it back around the base of his cock.

"Keep going," Walt hissed, and then throwing dignity to the wind, he added, "Please."

He could feel Jesse's grin against his neck, his breath hot and tense. Now that he had proper incentive, Jesse began working diligently, pumping, pinching and pulling in just the right places. As Walt shuddered against him, he made no effort to stop Jesse from slipping his other hand under his shirt. He noted the hesitation when Jesse felt the hair on his chest and he was remarkably less embarrassed now that he knew that they were both out of their comfort zone. This didn't stop Jesse from fiddling with Walt's nipple like it was a woman's, and it was only mildly annoying that he actually found it stimulating.

"You gonna come or what?" Jesse asked indignantly, giving him another long, salacious pull. "Come on, Mr. White, we don't have all day."

"What, like you've got something better to do after this?" Walt shot back as scathingly as he could, but it was hardly scathing at all. It was difficult for him to make himself sound threatening when he was so completely overtaken in his arousal.

"As a matter of fact," Jesse spoke slowly, purposefully stalling his pace again. He ground his erection into Walt's back, his jeans scraping against the skin that had been exposed after he'd gone fumbling around under Walter's shirt. "I do."

Leaning into the touch, Walt pressed further until there was barely any space between them. "Then why don't you get on with it?"

"Fuck," Jesse whined, his fingers twitching in their hold. "Okay, okay."

His pulls became relentless. The friction was beginning to make Walt's skin feel raw, and his stomach tightened in surprise when Jesse removed his hand, spitting on it before he resumed his task. The action was simultaneously appalling and alluring, just knowing Jesse's palm had to be burning from the touch, too. Walt tried to focus on what Jesse was doing, shamefully hoping he'd remember it the next time he'd have to wring himself out in the shower, but as soon as he glanced down at Jesse's hand around him, he lost all composure. It was that damn tattoo on his wrist, the abstracted scorpion. Something about the way it twisted and curled as Jesse jerked him off had been enough to send him over the edge.

As Walt came, Jesse gasped another laugh right into his ear. "Yeah, that's it. Right on, Mr. White."

"Jesse," he sighed, caught in a bizarre mix of exasperation and euphoria. "Please—"

Taking the hint, Jesse stalled the dirty talk and gave Walt a few soothing strokes as he finished him off. Every muscle in Walt's body unclenched, and he felt himself go numb with pleasure as he exhaled, leaning back into Jesse again so that his head was slumped against his shoulder. There was little rest to be had there, however, as Jesse squirmed impatiently beneath him, his erection persistently edging against the small of Walt's back.

"Come here," Walt ordered lazily, gesturing for Jesse to get in front of him. Jesse was surprisingly quick to comply, though he was careful to avoid touching the parts of the sheets that had been stained by Walt's ejaculation. Annoyed and a little offended, Walter clicked his tongue at him. "Take your pants off if you don't want to ruin them."

"Alright, jeez." Jesse muttered, hoping off the bed so he could kick his way out of his baggy jeans. After a moment of consideration, he grabbed the back of his shirt, and threw it to the ground in one quick, unceremonious movement. Walt couldn't help staring at him, standing there in only his ridiculous, flame patterned boxers, his stupid dragon tattoo standing out harshly against his pale chest. The last time Walt had seen Jesse so exposed like this, he had been drugged out of his mind with Jane lying next to him, and the thought stirred up some long stifled guilt.

"Hey," Jesse spoke, drawing Walter back to the present. He took a hesitant step towards him, nearly standing between his knees. "You good?"

Unable to answer, Walt reached for Jesse's hips, tugging him even closer. He weighed so little that it was absurdly easy to push him around, and Walt tried to ignore the slight thrill that came over him over the thought of being able to lift him up with ease. He hadn't been able to do that to Skyler in years, not since her first pregnancy. It wasn't that she was too heavy, she just wouldn't _let_ him move her around like that anymore.

Shaking all thoughts of his wife away, Walt traced his right thumb over the waistband of Jesse's boxers, looking up at his face to gauge his reaction. He appeared to be more embarrassed than anything. Experimentally, Walt moved his hand down between Jesse's legs, and the younger man's gasp of anticipation was so lewd that it ought to have belonged in a pornographic film.

Slowly, Walt ran his fingers up from Jesse's taint, over his balls and then grasped his dick through the fabric of his shorts, jerking it a little roughly. Jesse's hands immediately clamped down on his shoulders, leaning on Walt for balance as his knees buckled. Satisfied by the response, Walt smirked up at him.

"Tease," Jesse accused, glaring back defiantly. "Come on, man, hurry up."

"Don't rush me," Walt chided, slowly dipping his hand into his boxers. "You want this done right, don't you?"

"Only one right way to do it," Jesse mumbled, though his eyes rolled shut as Walt finally got ahold of him. "Oh, _yeah_ , that's it."

"You like this?" Walt asked, too sincerely invested in his task to sound mocking. He understood now why Jesse had wanted all the verbal reassurance. It was a surreal thing to be jerking off a dick that didn't belong to him. Walt desperately tried to recall all the blurry experiences from grad school and afterwards, but he found himself at a loss, every memory far too suppressed in pain and bitterness 

"Don't stop," Jesse whined, and the plea went straight to Walt's own groin, which normally would have been out of commission for at least an hour after getting off. The sudden relapse of arousal was startling enough that it stalled his work on Jesse's dick, and Jesse moaned again. " _Don't stop_."

"Right," Walt gave Jesse a hearty pull to make up for his pause, more than a little lightheaded. "Sorry."

A thought occurred to him as he watched Jesse's trembling chest, and he wasted no time in tugging the younger man's boxers down around his knees with his free hand.

"What're you—?" Jesse started to ask, his eyes going wide, panicked. 

"Relax," Walt said as kindly as he could manage. He softened his touch, and then for good measure, lightly kissed just below Jesse's navel. "Now, hold still."

"Shit," Jesse moaned, realizing what Walt intended to do. His face had gotten so pink that he was beginning to live up to his family name. "You don't have to."

"I'd like to," Walt said simply, and it was as much as a surprise to himself as it was to Jesse that he really meant it. "After all, I'm supposed to be making you feel good."

A breathless, disbelieving laugh rolled out of Jesse as Walt steadied himself against his hips. He moved very carefully, not wanting to gag himself and ruin the moment. Taking as much of Jesse's dick into his mouth as he possibly could without feeling uncomfortable, Walt was relieved to find that he could at least remember the strange, salty taste of the skin, so it didn't catch him by surprise and cause him to hesitate. What did surprise him, however, was the texture, and the girth. Instinctively he curled his lip, adjusting to the feeling.

" _Fuck_ ," Jesse shuddered, and then with a wince he added, "Watch the teeth."

Walt hummed, hoping it conveyed something apologetic. When Jesse voiced no other complaints, letting out a shaky exhale, Walt took it as a good sign and began to suck. It was, for all puns intended, harder than it looked, and he was well out of practice. Jesse's reaction made it worth the effort, however, as he groaned loudly and struggled to keep himself from bucking into the movement. Instinctively, Walt tightened his grip on Jesse's hips, firmly holding him in place so that he could bob his head up and down without a fear of choking. Jesse continued to make more obscene noises of enjoyment, begging for it. One of his hands lifted from Walt's shoulder and moved to the back of his head, where it fumbled aimlessly before simply grabbing on. Walt had been perfectly content with remaining bald up until that very moment. He briefly mourned the loss of his hair, distinctly missing the feeling of fingers threading through it. Though he had to admit, Jesse's nails desperately digging into his scalp wasn't a wholly unpleasant substitute for hair pulling, not by a long shot.

"Don't stop," Jesse repeated again and again, gasping out each word like it was some kind of horny mantra. "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop."

Unable to resist, Walt paused in the middle of a head thrust, his lips smacking with a ridiculous _pop_ as they pulled off of Jesse's dick. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?"

"Fuck you!" Jesse growled in annoyance, glaring down at him with unbridled fury. Then, as Walt fought back a laugh, Jesse let out one of his own, shrill and desperate. "Seriously!"

Though Walt didn't take Jesse completely back into his mouth after that, he kissed his way up the length of his shaft as an apology. When he pulled back again, he contemplated something, and began to knead his fingers into Jesse's hip with one hand, bringing the other back to his dick. After a few languid pulls, Walter cleared his throat. "You can, if you like."

Jesse was bleary eyed, lost in the touch. It took him a second to realize Walter had even spoken to him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Walter said, dragging out his syllables with his strokes. "You can fuck me, if you want to."

Jesse made a noise that was completely incoherent, and just like that, he came. Walt hadn't anticipated such a strong reaction to his offer, so his guard was down, and got a fair bit of the mess splattered across his face. Startled, he leapt away from Jesse, cursing like he'd had hot coffee spilled on him instead of semen. Chest heaving and knees giving in, Jesse reeled forwards, clutching at the edge of the bed to keep himself from falling over.

"You can't just _say_ shit like that, man!" He glared at Walter accusingly as his trembling subsided. "Give a guy a little warning, maybe?"

"Warning?" Walter echoed, waving his freshly stained glasses in the air. "Why don't you give _me_ a little warning next time!"

They glared at each other, completely riled up, tension flaring all over again, and then Jesse snorted. His body began shaking, this time from peels of laughter, and it wasn't long before Walt joined him. The entire exchange had been so absurd, it was hard not to find it funny.

"Nice to hear you laugh like that," Jesse observed, still chuckling. "Makes you look like less of a prick."

"You, too." Walt muttered as he wiped his face, still smiling in spite of himself. He was faintly aware of Jesse pushing off the bed and walking away, but didn't really register that he had left the room until he was walking back through the door with a wet cloth in his hands.

"Here," Jesse said, tossing the cloth to Walt as he drew closer. Walt caught it awkwardly, getting a small patch of his shirt wet as it landed against his chest, but he was too grateful to have something to clean up with that he couldn't be bothered to mind. "Get the sheets, too."

Walt did as he asked, but still graced Jesse with a look of mild disapproval, unable to help it. "Please tell me you're going to wash these."

"I'm not an animal," Jesse scoffed. "Obviously, I'm washing that shit."

Walt raised a hand in surrender, and then gestured for Jesse to take the cloth back as he put his freshly cleaned glasses on. It was only at that moment that Walt realized Jesse had been walking around completely nude, and he blinked in slight surprise. After giving his dick a passing swipe with the cloth, crude and boorish, Jesse promptly dropped it to the ground.

"Just so we're clear," he graced Walt with what was most likely intended to be an intimidating look. "I'm the one taking advantage of you, alright?"

For a split second, Walt worried that he'd breached some kind of line of consent, that he'd somehow missed an indication that Jesse wasn't acting in his own interests. But there was nothing. As far as he could tell, Jesse had initiated the sex because he had wanted to.

"No one is taking advantage of anyone, Jesse." Walt sighed, hoping that it was true.

"No," Jesse clicked his tongue, shifting on his feet. Without the baggy clothes to hide under, he seemed nervous and exposed. "I mean— Look, you said I could fuck you. I just wanted to clarify that you meant that I would be the one who was, like, on top? Or whatever."

So that was the problem. Walt was so relieved that he nearly laughed again. "Well, if that's the case then, yes. Take advantage of me all you want."

Jesse's jaw fell open and snapped shut. He began blinking rapidly, and some kind of confused whimper escaped him, not at all dissimilar to the thrilled sounds he had been making a few minutes ago. Walter watched him grow increasingly more pink in the face, looking anywhere in the room but directly at him.

"Seriously? I thought you'd be— Shit, you know what I mean. People look at us and assume you're the one railing my ass."

"People think that?" Walter asked, quietly bemused. Jesse shot him an exasperated look.

"Yeah," he scoffed, and then took a step closer, looping his arms around Walter's shoulders. "Like, all the time. Gus definitely thought it, and I guarantee you that Mike is probably one bruised wrist away from calling the fucking anti-domestic violence hotline on us."

"Huh," Walt considered this, thinking of Mike's story from his beat cop days, the battered wife. _No more half measures_. Tentatively, he grazed his palm over Jesse's stomach, and began gently tracing circles against the flat skin. "Think he has any reason to?"

"Probably," Jesse's laugh sounded a bit wrecked. He leaned into Walt's touch, ducking his head so that his lips brushed against his temple. "I mean, this shit isn't exactly healthy."

Walt didn't respond to that, mostly because he couldn't refute it. He leaned his head back to meet Jesse's gaze, and then lifted a hand to his cheek. His skin was warm and flushed. Carefully, Walt traced his thumb under the corner of Jesse's eye, almost as if he were wiping away a tear.

"What have we done to each other?" He whispered, smiling faintly, sadly, as he thought of every way he had ruined the man in front of him.

"No fucking clue," Jesse mumbled, bringing his own hand up so that it was holding Walt's in place, cradling his cheek. "All I know is that it's even. Fifty-fifty."

 _How wrong you are_ , Walt winced internally, biting down the long list of apologies that were threatening to burst from his throat. _I've hurt you more than I've helped you_.

"Yeah," Jesse leaned in closer, as if he were sensing Walt's unspoken disagreement. "I know."

This time when they kissed, there was much more intent and implication behind it. Everything was quiet and slow. Their tongues met softly between their lips, Jesse nudging for control and Walt letting him have it. It was strangely juvenile, lazily making out against Jesse's bed with no real purpose other than to justify touching each other in some way. Walt hadn't kissed his wife like this for years, partly because this was the kind of kissing that was usually reserved for teenagers who weren't quite ready to do anything else, but mostly because Skyler had always been more partial towards a hickey. There was a certain desperation to this kind of kissing, and yet there was no actual heat. Truthfully, Walt was a bit frightened by how pleasant it was. Jesse was probably just as scared. 

Nothing had ever been easy between them. This whole thing was just another wrench in their plans, another inevitable consequence to their actions. They were trapped in each other's molecular orbit like two atoms caught in a covalent bond. Walt briefly wondered if they'd ever escape. He wondered if he even wanted to.

"Listen," Walt mumbled, using all of his strength to pull away. "I've got to go, I'm having dinner with the kids tonight."

"Oh," said Jesse, visibly deflating. "Right, no, I get it."

"But," Walt searched Jesse's expression, hoping he wasn't reading into things. "Once I'm done with that, I can come back here, if that's what you want."

Eyebrow raising, Jesse's mouth fell into a lopsided smile. "Yeah?"

"I could even," Walt meaningfully cleared his throat, "Make good on that previous suggestion. If you'd like."

"Really?" Jesse's smile widened and his eyes narrowed. "You're not chickening out?"

"No," Walt said firmly, and then lightly kissed him again as if to seal the deal. "I meant what I said."

Jesse's grin had become practically wolfish. "You really want me to rail you?"

"Don't push it." Walt muttered, but he kissed him again anyway. It was too nice to stop. "I'll be back by nine at the latest. Wash your sheets."

"Mmkay," Jesse hummed, still smirking when Walt pulled away again. "Need me to like, pick anything up? You know, lube and condoms, that kinda shit?"

Walt rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassment finally catching up with him. "If you wouldn't mind."

"No big deal, I was running low on Trojans anyway." Jesse shrugged, sitting up. "You're not allergic to latex, are you? Cuz one time this guy I knew did anal with his girl and she had to go to the hospital because her asshole broke out in hives."

Walt stared at him, unimpressed and fighting back half of a laugh. "Lovely visual, Jesse. And no, I'm not allergic."

"Cool," Jesse hopped to his feet. "Just checking."

There was something in his tone that was a little worrying. Walt caught his wrist in his hand before he could get too far, making sure Jesse would turn back to look at him. "I'm not having any second thoughts. Are you?"

"No," Jesse muttered softly. "Just wanted to remind you who you're dealing with."

Walt sat up, lightly tugging on Jesse's arm so that he bent back down to his level. When he kissed him again, he hoped it would provide some kind of reassurance for them both.

"I think I know what I'm getting into."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I'd ever finish this second chapter, but I couldn't seem to walk away from it. Honestly it was kind of fun to toy with Walt's POV as he's such a subjective asshole that fully believes his own brand of bullshit. But again, this is meant to be one of the more gentle moments in the dramatic pendlelum swing of this tragic drug dealer romance. Hope you all enjoy, and stay safe out there!

Dinner with Hank, Marie and the kids was a mildly excruciating ordeal. Try as he might, Walt was unable to answer any of their questions on how Skyler was doing, when Junior would be allowed home, or how long this arrangement would last. He felt guilty, lying to his son's face and telling him that everything would eventually go back to normal. Nothing would ever be normal between him and Skyler again.

_All I can do is wait._ Her words echoed in his head throughout the meal, as cold and sharp as a knife's edge. Walt knew she wouldn't yield any time soon. Keeping the kids away from him was her last grasp at control. Try as he might, he couldn't bring himself to hate her for it, not when he knew she was doing this out of a desire to protect their children and not to personally spite him. Still, it stung, knowing that she was scared of _him_ , knowing he'd backed her into this corner in the first place, and knowing that if his test results from the other day were anything to go by, Skyler wouldn't have to wait that long at all to have her way.

To make matters worse, Jesse lurked in the back of his mind, his presence there even more loudly pronounced than usual. Even as Walt was holding his sleeping daughter in his arms, he couldn't completely tear his focus away from what had happened just a few hours ago. With every couple of minutes that passed, he'd feel the ghost of a touch on his neck, his chest, his thighs. Remembering the feeling of Jesse's hot breath on his cheek was enough to make his skin crawl. It was ridiculous— being this flustered, this _horny_ at his age, but he couldn't seem to help it. Walt left Hank and Marie's house after about two hours, praying that he didn't look too antsy to get out.

He practically sped home, heart pounding so hard that his head was beginning to hurt with every pulse. If he was going to go back to Jesse's, to seriously go through with what they'd started earlier that afternoon, he would have to take care of a few things before he left.  
Unfortunately, Skyler's car was in the driveway, and his stomach turned at the sight of it. Of all the choices Walt had made that had ultimately unravelled their marriage, infidelity had been the one thing he hadn't thought himself capable of stooping to.

_She stooped first_ , a small, bitter part of his brain reminded him in an attempt to reason with his guilty conscience. _She doesn't care whether you live of die, why should she care if you sleep with someone else?_

This made Walt's march to the bathroom all the more humiliating. Skyler raised an eyebrow at him as he passed her in the kitchen, and he only offered her a polite nod in return before excusing himself to the shower.

He tried not to think of her as he rooted around in the cupboards under the sink for a fast acting laxative. This was the considerably less glamorous part of his grad school affair that he had tried his best to forget, but even so, it had always put him at ease to know he'd lessened the chances of embarrassing himself. It did the same now, and was over relatively quickly as most of his food was already digested.

Before stepping into the shower, Walt gave himself a once over in the mirror. He'd never been particularly self conscious about his appearance, but part of him still flinched. It had been a long time since somebody that wasn't his wife or a doctor had seen him naked. His surgical scar stood out like an ugly slash across his ribcage. As he gave himself a thorough wash, he tried to rationalize the fact that Jesse had seen most of his body already, and it was a little counterproductive to be getting shy about it at this point. Of course, thinking of Jesse quickly shifted his mind back to that afternoon, and how nice _his_ body had looked. Walt hissed out a curse as his dick went half hard, and willed himself to calm down.

As soon as he was out of the shower, he moved quickly, throwing on aftershave and brushing his teeth for good measure. He grabbed the first pair of clean pants he could get to, buttoning up one of his green shirts as fast as he could manage. When he passed Skyler in the kitchen again on his way out, it came as a dull shock to him when she actually spoke.

"Going somewhere?" 

Walt turned slowly to face her, his heart twisting in guilt. She was sipping a glass of white wine, looking mildly disinterested in whatever it was that he would have to say in response. Walt wondered if she had only stopped him because she had sensed that he was in a hurry.

"I've got a meeting." Walt lied easily, smiling in a way that might've looked apologetic if she didn't already know his habits.

Skyler's eyes narrowed, and she took another sip of her wine. She didn't say anything, but Walt could see that she wanted him to give her more information before he left.

"It could go on for a while. I might not be back until morning." Walt sighed, raking his hand over the back of his neck. Then he frowned, remembering her icy words on the night of his birthday. "So you might get the bed to yourself tonight."

Skyler's lip twitched upwards, slight and cruel. Walt had to turn away, reeling with the sudden spite he felt towards her. _How did we end up like this?_ As much as he wanted to ask the question, Walt was afraid he already knew the answer.

He left the house about as agitatedly as he'd come into it, slamming the car door shut and breathing heavily as he clutched the steering wheel. Biting back a cough, he pulled out of the driveway and tried to push the entire interaction out of his head. If he was at all distracted or distant, Jesse might not want to go through with it after all, and Walt couldn't have that.

It surprised him, really, how much he wanted this. It also worried him on a level that he wasn't quite able to confront, because there were memories, hazy as they were, of Jesse at the age of seventeen, with his acne spattered chin and his terrible spelling, that made him so clearly _not_ the kind of person Walt should have been attracted to in any shape or form. But he hadn't been remotely interested in Jesse then— if someone had told Walt eight years ago that one day he'd be rushing to sleep with the student that had left a crude drawing of him pleasuring himself with a beaker on the back of his midterm, he would have laughed right in their face.

As much as Walt wanted to convince himself that his feelings towards Jesse now weren't twisted by their previous dynamic, he knew better than to try. Jesse had been right when he'd said whatever their relationship was wasn't healthy. That didn't stop him from wanting it, though. Walt doubted anything could; Jesse was lodged so deep in his system at this point that extracting him would've been impossible.

Despite the potential of getting a ticket, he parked his car in the street in front of Jesse's house. It was completely improbable that if his wife, or Saul, or even Mike were to show up unannounced, they would somehow be able to deduce that he and Jesse were hooking up simply because his car was parked in the driveway, but he worried about it all the same. Taking a deep breath and willing himself to calm down, Walt got out of the car and locked it, treading purposefully towards Jesse's front door as if it were no different from any other day.

Jesse swung the door open before he could even knock— he must have seen him coming through the window. Something warmed in Walt's chest at the thought of Jesse waiting up for him, clearly just as anxious to get things started again as he was.

"Hey," Jesse greeted, a little out of breath. He glanced over Walt's shoulders like he was checking to see if they were being watched, whether it was out of habit or embarrassment was hard to say. "I was starting to think you wouldn't show."

Half flattered and half offended, Walt scoffed. "I'm not that late."

"Yeah, well," Jesse shifted back on his feet, rubbing his thumb over his upper lip in a gesture that Walt recognized as sheepish. "Come on in."

Walt barely made it two steps inside before the door was swinging shut behind him, and Jesse's hands were immediately looping through his open jacket and around his waist. He caught Walt in an open-mouthed kiss, and if Walt had been planning on saying anything else, the words quickly lost themselves on Jesse's tongue. It didn't really matter that his breath tasted like a microwave pizza roll— Walt was surprised to find himself charmed by the cheap smelling garlic instead of repulsed— he was such a damn good kisser that it was enough to make Walt's head spin.

"Been blue-balling for the past three hours," Jesse mumbled as he pulled away, biting at Walt's throat. "Let's do this."

"No objections here," Walt tried to keep his voice even, already reaching for Jesse's belt. "I assume you know how this works?"

"What, you mean anal?" Jesse snorted. "Yeah, I've done it a couple times with chicks. Never touched another guy's dick before today, though, so I guess that counts as a first."

Though Walt had figured as much, the confirmation that he was the only man Jesse had ever touched made his blood boil. He hoped it didn't come across as too manic or possessive when he took his face in his hands and kissed him, pressing hard enough to bruise.

"What the fuck?" Jesse laughed when they broke apart, sounding pleasantly debauched. "You're turned on by that? Taking my homo virginity?"

"Shut up," Walt muttered, kissing him again, this time on his temple, then once more on his cheek. "You're not in any position to be rude."

Jesse raised his eyebrows, smirking as he grappled at Walt's hips and shoved him towards the stairs. "Oh yeah? Well, in a few minutes you won't be in any position to _walk_."

Though it was meant as a joke, there was a heat to the words that made Walt's skin prickle with anticipation. As they made their way up the stairs, he chuckled, hoping to diffuse the tension just enough so that he wasn't overwhelmed. "Is a few minutes all you've got in you? Because I told my wife I'd be out all night."

"If you shut up and drop your pants maybe we can find out." Jesse shot back, and then he blinked, Walt's words catching up to him. "You're gonna stay over?"

"Only if you'd like," Walt replied smoothly, trying not to sound overeager. "I can always stay at the condo."

At this point they had made it to the top of the stairs, and it was an odd echo to where they started this whole thing earlier that afternoon. This time, however, Jesse was the one who stepped forward, not quite meeting Walt's gaze as he moved in to kiss the underside of his jaw, teeth scraping lightly over the skin of his throat.

"No, it's cool. Stay here." He fumbled with the buttons of Walt's shirt, and for the first time since arriving, Walt felt his nerves jump. To keep himself from getting too embarrassed, he levelled the playing field by unzipping Jesse's hoodie. They both shrugged the layers off with ease, Jesse quickly tugging off his own shirt by the time they made it into his bedroom.

In a surreal sort of way, undressing was familiar. Walt had already taken his pants off in front of Jesse more times than he could count, starting with their first cook in the desert, and then every day like clockwork in Gus' lab. Though the task itself was menial at this point, the current context gave Walt a new appreciation for it.

His pants were around his ankles and his shirt was in the process of sliding off his shoulders when Jesse's hands found him again, fingernails digging into his bare hips. When Walt let out a satisfied grunt as he was pulled closer, Jesse laughed. His eyes were hazy with lust and disbelief.

"Didn't think you'd like being manhandled this much," he muttered, peeling Walt's shirt off the rest of the way as he backed him towards the bed. "You're such a control freak, didn't take you for the rough and tumble type."

"It's nice to relinquish control every once in a while," Walt muttered, lightly nipping at Jesse's neck. Carefully, he took off his glasses and set them on the bedside table. "You of all people should understand how good it feels to let go."

Jesse's gaze flickered from Walt's lips to his dick, which was half hard already. "So you're not just doing this for my benefit, or whatever?"

Walt scoffed again. "Why on earth would I lie?"

"I dunno, you always seem to have your reasons." Jesse shrugged, and before Walt could argue, Jesse wrapped one hand around his erection and robbed him of all coherent thought. "But I'm not complaining."

It took a moment for Walt to catch his breath. Jesse palmed over him slowly, looking smug. Taking advantage of his lowered guard, Walt seized Jesse by the waist and spun them both around so that they could fall back against the mattress. After that, it wasn't that difficult for Walt to get Jesse's wrists in his hands, pinning them down beside his head as if he'd just won a wrestling match. Jesse stared up at him with wide eyes, mouth hanging open in surprise. Judging by the way his eyes lit up, Walt could sense that this wasn't an unwelcome development.

Though they weren't properly aligned by a long shot, Walt thrust himself against Jesse's thigh, his stomach lightly scraping over Jesse's long neglected dick. Jesse groaned from the touch, bucking his hips upwards to get closer. His breathing went completely ragged when Walt thrust again, and he arched his back off the bed, desperate and keen for contact.

"Not so bad, is it?" Walt teased, squeezing Jesse's wrists lightly before he let go and rolled back on his side. Jesse was on top of him in seconds, glaring down at him without any real malice.

"You fucking _tease_ ," he growled, biting his way down Walt's collarbone. "Your old ass is gonna regret that."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" Walt chuckled, biting back a groan when Jesse's hand grazed over his dick again.

"Both," Jesse rolled off of him only briefly, fumbling around in the drawer of the bedside table. Walt watched, heart thundering, as Jesse uncapped a bottle of what could only be lube, and generously coated his fingers with it. "Shit, this stuff is cold."

"Thanks for the warning," Walt muttered. "Are you sure you know what—"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before Jesse was leaning back over him, his wet hand between his legs. All Walt could do was try to remember to breathe when Jesse slid the first finger in. The last thing he wanted to do in that moment was cough.

"Jesus," Jesse muttered, eyes wide. "You're _tight_."

Heat rushed to Walt's face, whether it was from embarrassment or the fact that Jesse was stretching him at a painfully slow pace was hard to tell. "It's been a while."

Jesse puffed out his cheeks with an exaggerated exhale. "I mean, I was kind of expecting it, but holy fuck."

"Just keep it moving," Walt tried to sound encouraging, praying that he wasn't fading into his teaching voice by mistake. "It'll get easier."

Jesse continued to stretch him, picking up the pace. He obviously hadn't been lying about doing this before— Walt didn't even need to ask before he was applying more lube to his hand and adding a second finger. Jesse gave him a cautious look before he did it, silently requesting consent. Walt nodded and leaned his head back. The initial discomfort was finally giving way to an old, familiar itch.

"I'm ready," Walt rasped, surprised by the rugged quality of his voice. "Hurry up."

"You sure?" Jesse double-checked, but was already pulling his fingers out, and within seconds was tearing open a condom wrapper. "I'm clean, just so you know. Got tested a while back, when me and Andrea— anyways, guess my luck isn't all bad."

"While I'm happy to hear that," Walt said, trying to sound patient even as his body was completely on edge, bracing itself. "It's more for the sake of preventing a mess."

"Right," Jesse nodded as he angled his hips, veering painfully close to his intended destination. "You sure you wanna be on your back for this?"

"I'll be fine," Walt groaned, tired of waiting. "Besides, I want to look at you."

Face flushed, Jesse didn't meet Walt's gaze as he grappled his thighs, pulling them up around his hips. Walt had been anticipating some sort of word of warning before Jesse went ahead and entered him, but there was none. It just seemed to happen all at once, and Walt's body tensed, struggling to adapt to the feeling.

"Oh my god," Jesse spluttered, eyes rolling shut. "What the fuck?"

"Jesse," Walt strained his hips against him, trying to buck upwards to ease the pain. " _Move_."

"Just give me a second," he panted, digging his hands into the sheets over Walt's shoulders, hunching over him. "It's a lot, okay? You have no right to feel this fucking good."

Before Walter could think of a response, Jesse seemed to have gathered himself. He slowly moved into a thrust, and then more quickly another. Relief flooded Walter's veins instantly, and to show appreciation he reached out and grasped at Jesse's waist, pulling him in with every move he made. He didn't have to ask for Jesse to pick up the pace, Jesse just took the initiative, fucking him fast and hard. It wasn't long before they were both breathing raggedly.

Some wanton sound that Walt hadn't thought himself capable of making came spluttering out of him when Jesse unwittingly hit his prostate. At once, Jesse stilled, and before Walt could shout or beg for him to keep going, he thrust into him hard and hit it again. Walt moaned, toes curling, and let his head roll back against the pillows.

"That's it," he gasped out in an attempt to sound encouraging. "Good, Jesse, that's good."

Jesse laughed, but it was mostly air. His pace was starting to get a little less even. "You close?"

"Very," Walt moaned, nearly choking when Jesse rammed into him again. " _Harder_. Jesse—"

"Shit," Jesse hissed, bucking even faster, their hips scraping together hard enough to bruise. "You really do like it rough."

Walt had nothing to say to that. He was lost in the strange, dizzyingly euphoric sensation of being filled, and then just like that, he was coming. The orgasm shot through every nerve in his body, making the handjob he'd received earlier that afternoon feel pathetic in comparison. He had closed his eyes in the thick of it, but his vision chose to swim back into focus at just the right time. Jesse was panting, face red and eyes watering, and Walt felt it when he came, acutely aware of the body pressed up against him, the body _inside_ him. For a moment, they just lay together in a sweaty heap, close enough that they could have melted into each other. Jesse's heartbeat felt like a drum against Walt's ribs, only slightly out of synch with his own.

Then Jesse pulled out, and rolled off of him. Walt tried to keep his breathing even as he listened to the shuffling sounds of Jesse crossing the room to throw the condom out. He brought back a different washcloth than the one they'd used earlier in the afternoon and wiped up the mess on Walt's stomach without asking. He then threw the cloth towards the door before climbing back into bed, settling neatly at Walt's side.

"Well," Jesse broke the silence after less than a minute of lying there. "That happened."

Walt nearly laughed, caught off guard. "Do you wish it hadn't?"

"No," Jesse shook his head, glancing sideways at him. "I mean, we've been through a lot of shit. This is pretty tame compared to when Tuco had us locked in his trunk and held at gunpoint, or melting bodies and all that."

"Tame?" Walt echoed, choosing not to ignore the unpleasant memories. He smiled crookedly at Jesse as he nestled in closer to him, propping his chin on his shoulder.

"I didn't mean the sex," Jesse huffed. "Not to stroke your already dangerously large ego, but it was fucking good, okay?"

"Consider it stroked." Walt said, trying not to grin when Jesse rolled back on top of him.

"So not even a good lay can stop you from being a smug piece of shit, huh?" Jesse grumbled, nipping at Walt's neck and jaw in a way that was more affectionate than bitter. "Figures, you prick."

Walt took the comments in stride, planting his hand at the base of Jesse's skull so that he could move him up into a proper kiss. He was beginning to really enjoy kissing him, especially now, in all of its lazy, subdued glory. This realization pulled at his chest a little, because part of him had thought that once they'd had sex, some of the glamour of their current situation would fade. But he wanted Jesse still, and even worse, he had already wanted him for the better part of a year.

Without meaning to, Walt reared his head back against the pillows, gently breaking the kiss. He watched as Jesse's eyes fluttered open, and was stricken, as he had been many times before, by how brilliantly blue they were. Just as blue and clear as the crystal they cooked. For the first time, he allowed himself to stare into them with unabashed interest. Jesse blinked back at him, furrowing his brows in silent confusion.

"You're pretty good looking," Walt stated, as if he had never noticed it before, though obviously he had. After a beat, Jesse snorted, and Walt flinched, trying not to laugh at himself. "What? It's true."

"I don't understand how your brain works, man. And before you go and start spouting some scientific crap, I'm talking about your thought process. I bet it's like some FBI murder board full of tangled red string and shit up in there."

"My thoughts are plenty organized," said Walt, miffed. "Though I'll admit, being with you tends to put them in disarray."

Jesse smiled, and it softened his entire face. Walt was suddenly overwhelmed by how young he looked, how young he actually was, and an intense guilt knotted in his stomach.

"I'm sorry." Walt blurted before he could stop himself. Again, Jesse knit his brows and narrowed his eyes.

"What for?"

"Just—" Walt made a gesture with his hand, pointing to himself. "All of this. You could do a lot better." 

_If I let you,_ went unspoken.

Jesse considered this for a moment, mulling over the words. He had been lying mostly on top of Walt's chest and now he shuffled onto his knees, moving so that he was looming over his face.

"Probably," he said at last, kissing Walt with an unprecedented amount of affection. "But maybe not."

They kissed for a little longer after that, and for Walt, it was easier than breathing. All sense of time and rational thought seemed to slip away, and all that was there was Jesse, warm and eager against him.

"Hey," Jesse murmured between breaks for air. "S'cool if I smoke?"

Walt's chest hitched, remembering his latest diagnosis. He pulled away and nodded, but before Jesse could stray too far, he cleared his throat. "I don't suppose you have anything besides cigarettes on hand?"

Jesse glanced back at him, confused.

"I mean, I don't know how lenient your sobriety is. I know you're drinking beer, at least, but—"

"Dude," Jesse said slowly, eyebrows climbing higher. "Are you asking if I've got any weed?"

Embarrassed, Walt avoided answering. Jesse was grinning like a wolf again, and he hopped off the bed with a laugh.

"This is so weird," he chuckled, rooting around in one of his dresser drawers. He pulled out a small plastic bag, only half full of its product, and some crinkled paper to roll it with. He also pulled on a pair of boxer briefs, which were shorter and less ridiculous looking than the patterned, baggy stuff Walt was used to seeing him wear. "Having a blunt with Mr. White."

Sitting up, Walt pulled at the sheets to cover his lower half, both for modesty's sake and because he was getting a little cold. "Is me wanting to smoke with you really more of a shock than the fact that we just had sex?"

Jesse snorted, laying out the paper and the weed in front of him on the bed. He sat cross-legged over the covers by Walt's feet. "I told you before, man, we've got multiple layers of other fucked up shit to sort through before we even get to what happened this afternoon. This ain't even the tip of the iceberg."

With no way to really respond to that, Walt let the words simmer between them. He watched, slightly entranced, as Jesse expertly rolled a joint for them to share. It came together much better than the mess Walt had rolled for himself on Jesse's kitchen counter last September. When he remembered having to light it over the stove, he had to suppress a laugh. Jesse looked up at the smothered noise, curious.

"You're good at that," was all Walt could think to say.

Jesse licked his thumb, then sealed the joint shut with a final fold. "Yeah? Well, I've had a lot of practice."

After clearing the makeshift rolling station onto the floor, Jesse settled in back at Walt's side. They both leaned back against the wall and headboard as Jesse lit the joint where it hung from Walt's mouth, allowing him to take the first huff. Finally having a good excuse to cough, Walt did, and his chest seized with simultaneous relief and pain. As subtle as he'd tried to be, he didn't miss the flicker of concern in Jesse's gaze as he passed him the joint, nor did he miss the tightness of his jaw as he inhaled.

"Hope I didn't peer pressure you," Walt tried to sound gently mocking, though he really did feel quite guilty now that he was thinking about the potential consequences of a backslide. "If you'd rather have a cigarette I can finish this myself."

"Weed's nothing," Jesse sighed, smoke fluttering from his lips. "It's uppers I'm steering clear of."

"Ah," said Walt, awkwardly taking another hit. "Well, that's good. I'm glad you know your limits."

Jesse glanced at him as he passed the joint back, smiling in a way that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Sure."

They sat there quietly for a while, leisurely passing the joint back and forth. Eventually, Jesse's leg began to twitch against Walt's side, and then he was throwing it over Walt's lap, straddling him.

"Want me to shotgun it for you?" Jesse asked, smirking in a way that told Walt he was well aware of how seductive the offer was.

Wordlessly, Walt inhaled one last hit, tilting his head back so Jesse would get the hint and kiss him. He did so without hesitation, the charred taste of the smoke burning between their lips. They took turns inhaling after that, but made an effort to keep sharing the exhale. Walt's vision, already blurred without his glasses, began to swim with fuzzy warmth. He watched, transfixed, as Jesse breathed out a barrel of smoke like a dragon. Jesse chuckled, low and endearing, when he realized Walt had missed the chance to breathe it in.

"Not to ruin the moment," he mumbled, softly kissing the area between Walt's brows, and then the corner of his mouth. "But what happens next?"

Walt slid his hand, which had been innocently resting against Jesse's hip, down to his thigh and squeezed. "I can think of a few things."

"No," Jesse laughed, a breathless flutter against Walt's cheek. "I mean, like, _tomorrow_. Where do we stand?"

"Tomorrow," Walt echoed, wracking his freshly fogged brain to remember the plan. "We're meeting Mike. To talk about the train."

"Yeah, I know that." Jesse leaned back, exasperated. "I guess what I'm asking is— are we cool?"

Walt blinked. "That depends on your definition of the word."

"Oh my god," Jesse dragged his hands over his face. "You're such a dick. I'm trying to do business here."

"Business?" Walt repeated him again, amused. He began rubbing circles into the lean muscle of Jesse's thigh, completely innocently. "Is that right?"

Jesse's nostrils flared, but he didn't seem all that mad. If anything, he looked nervous. "Come on, Mr. White, you know what I'm getting at."

"I know," Walt said gently. "I'm just not sure what the best course of action is."

"Then lay out all the options for me and I'll help you pick one."

"Alright," Walt conceded, leaning back. "First and foremost, I guess that I should mention my marriage."

Jesse made a face. "Jesus, I know this isn't, like, permanent. You have kids. A family."

Though his point was fair, it still made Walt wince. "And you've got a whole life ahead of you."

"Right," Jesse frowned. "So what, we just pretend this never happened and go back to normal? You riding my ass and not the other way around?"

"Low blow," Walt muttered, but he was just stoned enough to find it funny. "But, really, that depends on you. What do _you_ propose we do?"

"I don't know," Jesse shrugged, looking a bit lost. "It's nice to not be alone for a minute."

Carefully, Walt leaned in to kiss his collarbone, resting his head against Jesse's shoulder. "I agree."

"Look," Jesse sighed, pulling Walt's face back with gentle hands, meeting his gaze. "We're fucked up enough as it is."

Walt knew what was coming next, and he nodded slightly, leaning his cheek into Jesse's palm. "So I suppose we should quit while we're ahead?"

"In the long run, there's no way this doesn't crash and burn." Jesse said reasonably, biting his bottom lip. "Come on, man, you know you've got control issues and I'm a mess. We're screwed up, I don't want to screw us up more."

It seemed like he hadn't quite finished what he was working up to say, and there was a long, heavy silence. Eventually, Walt felt compelled to break it. "But?"

"But," Jesse closed his eyes, relieved. "Like I said, it's kind of nice. I wouldn't hate it, if you wanted to do it again."

"I fully intend to do it again," Walt said, meaningfully stroking Jesse's thigh. "Though I suppose you mean at a later date."

"Yes, asshole." Jesse grumbled, leaning in for another kiss. There was still a grassy, smoky taste to him. 

"Maybe once we get the methylamine," Walt said reasonably, trying to keep his focus on the conversation from wandering too far. "We can talk more once it's secured. For now, we ought to stick to the plan."

Jesse nodded. "Seems smart. So, is this going to be some kind of unofficial thing? We gonna shake on it, or some shit?"

"Sure," Walt found himself fighting another laugh. "I mean, really, what's the proper etiquette for this kind of situation? It's not like being friends with benefits comes with a handbook."

In an instant, Jesse's entire face softened, and he pulled back a little. The expression he was making was clearly a pleased one, but even so, Walt found it hard to read.

"What're you smiling about?"

"Nothing," Jesse ducked his head, his cheeks rosy. In a not so subtle way, he mocked Walt's voice. " _Friends with benefits._ "

"Well, what else is there to call this?" Walt scoffed, but it was hard to sound annoyed when Jesse looked so happy. Rather theatrically, he lifted his hand between them, extending for a shake. "Partners?"

Eyes glittering dangerously, Jesse took his hand with a grin. "Yeah, bitch."

Walt opened his mouth to refute that particular term of endearment, but all complaints he might have had melted away as soon as Jesse's lips met his own. He decided that whatever he was about to say could wait. For now, this was all he wanted.


End file.
